Truth

There are very few things in live that i hate more than lies, from that is where most of my principles come from. Honesty is my policy. This doesn't mean i don't lie, i do, a lot. Right now i have a huge lie that may hurt people i love, people that love me unconditionally. In that sense i can understand why would someone lie, and now that i know the truth i can finally understand how the one how is being lied to feels.

I'm too much of a dreamer, this is probably something that i inherited from my father. He also sees himself in succes and travels through places that may never come, he does it mostly i businesses, or at least that's were i have seeing him do it the most. I do it whit people and my relationship whit them.

The girl i have talked here before, Noelia, she is, i hope, my biggest mistake. I'm sure she will not be the last one because old habits die slowly but i do hope that i would never let my hopes go so high.

For her, i was willing to start an odissey from witch i would expend my next years of life, for her, i was willing to left aside my self worth, for her... i was hopping to travel through half of the world. This is just the same mistake that i made when i was younger. Love is something that needs two persons, not one. This is obvious, but the most obvious trues are the hardest to learn.

Why is that? I had always wondered, Why do i never learn that wich is obvious? Because an absolute truth makes reality too tangible, it will eventually go against what i desire, and if reality can't change to fit my wishes, then i can lie myself into believing them to be at least possible.

I, somehow, feel happy of finally learning this truth, about finally accepting this part of my life... somehow... ah... It's quite simple really, now that I finally know the truth beyond any room for doubt I finally have the opportunity to accept it. I must confront the question, Will you keep lying to yourself or will you accept the truth?

And the truth is... well. She doesn't feel the way i do, she never will, any future i ever imagine whit her will not happen the way i wished. Even now, while i write this words, i feel compelled to send her this post. Why? because there may be the chance she actually feels something for me, but since she sees it as an impossibility that is not worth pursuing  she just says "no"... "She didn't even said it like that" i think "i put words in her mouth"... ah, the mind is truly capable of some incredible mental gymnastics.

At the end, I'll just accept it and do my best to move on. That's the only thing i can do.

However, this leaves me whit the most painful part of this. Whit her... whit the version of her that i had made up in my mind, I has foreseeing a future, a simple one, but a future whit her. I had decided that i would work my ass off and save enough money for meeting her, and then, I only wished for walking along side her take her hand and say to her "I would go around the world just for you" say "I love you" and think that will make it true, that will make her love me... i never put that thoughts in that way in my mind. But my new perspective of knowing this would be futile allows me to realize that that was my only objective. That if i did all of that she would love me back.

Love is something that needs two person to occur, meanwhile is... obsession? Probably, i like to think not... hehe.... well, i do know it is not love.

Now, once again, i need to find a future for me, a future that i can pursue for my own good. Because i deserve to be happy, i deserve to love and be love back. What do i want? I just want to love something, and give my sould and body for it, I need to allow my self to give my all for something i truly love. Simple as that.

I need to try to be happy, and i'm the only one who can make it happen.